Cringe.

That’s what I did every time I saw a TV ad for a “very special episode” of some ’80s sitcom.

I cringed because I knew “very special” meant some overly dramatic turn of plot designed to boost ratings by hooking you in with the travails of one of their characters.

“This week, on a very special episode of M*A*S*H, Colonel Blake returns from the dead to donate his spleen to Radar, who discovers he was born without one.”

“On a very special Alf, America’s favorite intergalactic puppet deals with discovering that he is really a laboratory-created cross between a cat and an opossum.”

“On tonight’s very special Family Ties, Alex has to face his family with the revelation that he is actually a closet liberal.  Guest star: Alan Alda as the wacky yet wise psychoanalyst Dr. Doug “Dewey” Hackmeyer who helps the Keaton family adjust.”

You get the drift.

I’m calling this “a very special” Bouville Diarist with much trepidation, because I’m ging to get personal.  And sometimes people react negatively to “personal”.  They get uncomfortable.  Squirm in their seats.

Cringe.

I don’t believe this post is going to be cringeworthy, so relax.  No uncomfortable revelations.  Just some good ol’ heart-to-heart.

You may have noticed an uptick in posts very recently.  It may seem odd: the Bouville blog has sat fairly dormant for so long.  Like a volcano, it sits quietly, occasionally puffs out some smoke or drools a bit of molten magma now and again.

Then, one day… BOOM!  Eruption.  Post after post.

What’s going on?

A personal wake up call, that’s what’s going on.

Consistency has never been my bag.  I’ve always allowed my biggest enemy – my inner critic – to get in my way.  I write and then I read and edit (not enough admittedly, but…).  And then I imagine the few who read the Bouville Diarist turning off their computers.

Checking Facebook.

Beginning to… you guessed it…

Cringe.

Is this true?  I doubt it.  I hope not.  It’s what I hear from my inner critic.

I understand the inner critic is not my friend.  He doesn’t want me to minister.  He doesn’t want me to succeed at what I believe the Lord wants me to do.

Here is what I want to do,

I want to write.

I want to draw.

I want to be free of the inner critic.

I want to do these things to God’s glory, which means blessing others with what I produce.

I want to start small groups for God.

I want to disciple people.

I want to bring freedom and peace and joy to those who struggle with despression and anxiety and all the awful mental tar that sticks some of us in such a miserable place.

I want you to feel joyful.

I want you to be peaceful.

I want you to know God’s great love.

I want you to not feel alone.

But I cannot do that until I shut up that [deleted] inner critic.

And that is what I intend to do.

So… am I doing this for purely selfless reasons?  Yes and no.  I am human.  I will relish in the joy of reaching out and trying to bless people.

I want more of what God has intended for me.

Don’t you?

I won’t be intentionally rude or shocking, but I won’t be politically correct either.

I will trip and falter and fail at times, but I will get back up again by God’s great mercy and grace.

I will dream big dreams and pursue great goals, but only with His help and guidance.

I know God has a plan for me.

I know God has a plan for you.

And I’m sick of looking back at my life and wanting to… here’s come the word of the day again…

Cringe.

Lastly, I want you to join me on this journey.  If you’re as tired of mediocrity as I am, come alongside.  Drop me a line.  E-mail me at bouvillediarist@gmail.com.  Commengt on this post.  Share these posts with your friends and loved ones, and ask them to do the same.

Visit bouvillediarist.com

I hope to hear from you soon!!

All in God’s grace,

Chris