In Dreams

I keep having the same dreams night after night.  To clarify, the scenes and people change.  Surroundings vary from dream to dream.  But they tend to fall in the same thematic line: I need to get things done.

My dreams are haunted with the fear that I am not doing what I ought to be doing, not completing what I should. In the wrong place.  Traveling the wrong path.  Others around me oblivious to my misalignment but pressuring me to get on with it.

I am not one who believes in dream interpretation as some mystical path to our destinies or deep meanings or any of that stuff.  But I do recognize that dreams as the brain’s subconscious attempt to make some sense of all the data it is trying to process: knowledge, emotions, perceptions, experiences, opinions, confusions, mysteries… and sometimes just crap.

I realize I live a life that is largely nonconducive to my true self.  I am not talking about family, but other aspects.  I also realize I have to make some changes – some of which would have been much easier 25 years ago, when I was too young, dumb and lazy.  

But… it is never too late to change things, right?  It is the little things that add up.  It is what I do now, not what I whine about having not done a quarter century ago.

The problem is that I am not being me.  My writing reflects it.  My life reflects it.

I don’t want my child to reflect it.  I want him to be fearless.  I have been just the exact opposite.  I have listened to too many critics (myself included).  I have chosen the easy / “safe” path of least resistance.  That path is only safe as long as things don’t change.

The problem with the safe path is that things do change.

And I need to change.  Which means changing paths.  Which means being able to look the critics in the eye (especially the one looking back in the mirror) and say, “Shove off.”  (Use stronger language, if you must.  But not within earshot of the kidlets.)

My son needs to see Dad being who God created Dad to be.  I need to finally let go of the criticisms – real and imagined and inflated – and be.

Be creative.

Be funny.

Be me, out loud.

I fit no molds – the perpetual square peg crammed in a round hole that his far too small for his oversized frame.  It’s time to celebrate the uniqueness that is my God-created self.  Not in an ego centered way, but in a manner that helps others do the same.

Time to face the world with faith-filled grit and determination and joy and laughter and strength.

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